Codependency is one of the issues which I encounter in the counselling environment on a daily basis. This silent destroyer has been made famous by the world renowned writer Melody Beattie with her best sellers (Codependent No More) and (Beyond Codependency). Other authors include Pia Melody (Facing Co-dependence) and Shirley Smith (Set Yourself Free).
Yet so many people still have a misconception of what codependency is, and it’s devastation it has on our society as we only started to identify it in the late 70’s. It was through the recovery of alcoholics that we started seeing that the partners of the alcoholics are as many a times, just as sick as the addict self. To date the ongoing research is growing by leaps and bounds, as therapists are discovering just how deep does the rabbit hole go.
Definition - Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others and can even be seen as an addiction of sorts. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns
Historically, the concept of codependence comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of the realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic. It was subsequently broadened to cover the way that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval. As such, the concept overlaps with the older psychoanalytic concept of the 'passive dependent personality' ... attaching himself to a stronger personality.
For me as a counsellor the first sign which I look for in a client to see if they might be codependent is their inability to clearly identify their emotions and feelings. One of the dangers in our society is that we over encourage the person who goes the extra mile at work, church or even charity work. Yet should this person be a codependent, then the very applause and affirmation which this behaviour is bringing them might also be the petrol on the fire which silently fuels their addiction. They find their value, worth and identity in the fact that they are “doing” instead of finding their value, worth and identity their “being”.
Patterns and characteristics of codependency
Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels. Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child.
Many codependents feel completely trapped in cycles of drama without even knowing why or how they got into it in the first place. Some travel from a Victim mentality, to a Persecutor to a Rescuer all in one breath as they feel their emotions (which are complete strangers to them) abuse them like a bulldog with a playing ball. The Karpman drama triangle is one of many useful tools in helping codependent people realise the dysfunctional behaviour which they are addicted to.
Co-Dependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
Recovery from co-dependency is possible and although it takes a hard work and therapy, the words of Melody Beattie in her book Beyond Codependency can describe the healing the best; The important idea here is we’ve lost our invisibility. We’re recognising ourselves, and others are recognising us too. More help and hope has become available to us – from teddy bears that says it’s okay to feel what we feel, to in-patient co-dependency treatment programs where we can deal with our inner child (the part of us that feels, plays, and needs to be nurtured) and where we can address our family of origin issues (our messages from the past that control what we do today)…We’re saying simply and clearly, enough is enough, and we’ve suffered enough. It’s time to do things differently.
Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts from this article has been taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency as well as the book Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie.
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