Family Shame (Part 1) - by Johan Obbes

Shame has its roots in our childhood and its branches in our lives today. Shame is a form of control, a tool used by parents and societies probably since the beginning of time. Sometimes we become shame based because of what other did to us. Victims of abuse are often plagued by shame, even though they weren’t responsible for the inappropriate behaviour. It can hold us back, hold us down and keep us staring at our feet. We may not be able to label it but it is real and sadly also the trademark of dysfunctional families.

Shame can be found everywhere. It comes with addictive families where one or more people were addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, work, sex, religion or even gambling. It comes with families with problems, secrets and sometimes the shame of these secrets are passed down from one generation to the next, and unknowing to most people we don’t even know that shame is like fuel to the addictive fire...which in turn is multiplying our incidence of addiction. From tik to alcohol, eating disorders to sex addicts but the list goes on to where scary becomes shocking.

In Psychology we make the statement; Every family is a dysfunctional family, yet it is only the degree of dysfunctionality that changes. The question then arise; to which degree of dysfunctional does a family have to be, before it creates serious damage to a person? Or better yet, if families are so dysfunctional then how deep does the rabbit hole go into our society, and what ripple effect does this family shame have on our development as a human race.

Every family is like a system which consist of component parts or role players (father, mother, children, live in grandparents etc.) that has a specific position in the family. The peacemakers, the scape goats, the authoritarians etc. With each one being aware of what the other one’s role is, regardless of how dysfunctional that role is eg. “Timmy my youngest brother is probably guilty of the theft allegations as he always screw up, we are all use to it”or “Ag, my dad with bail me out of trouble, he always saves all of us”or “I need to smack these children a bit more around here to show them who is boss”or “I need to apologize for my mom’s drunk behaviour last night so that people don’t realise she has a drinking problem” Whether we rescue others, project our issues, avoid responsibility, persecute or play the victim...we all know our roles within this drama of dysfunction.

Apart from the roles we also find the rules in every family. Some of these rules are very clear but many are unspoken or only shown once we break it eg. “In this house we always eat at 6pm” or “When father have passed out drunk on the floor we have to take him to his bed, and not say anything about it the next morning”or “I am not allowed to wear a nose ring like my friends as father is the minister and he said that Christian girls who wear nose rings are slutty” or ”Daddy always shouts at us when he loses his temper but we are not allowed to raise our voices or say we are angry at him”. Sometimes we are not even aware of these roles or rules...regardless if it is healthy or unhealthy. Nor are we always aware that something in our family is wrong. The dysfunction and the drama is our sense of normal and we know nothing different.

Emotional detachment can be just as damaging to a child when a parent is there in body, but are emotionally absent. We model what we see-in our families and the way our parents model intimacy (healthy or even the lack of intimacy) is very much the picture which we internalize of how we should see ourselves. “Don’t trust other people”, “I'm not worthy of being loved” or “I am only accepted when I do something for my parents”. We are loyal to our family and will protect every secret as if it is gold, until sadly the cracks start to show when one of the family members are removed from the family (death, divorce, moving away) and the family dynamics change. With the dynamics that change, our roles now change and so does our identities within the family. The actors in the drama have changed, shame and dysfunction have been the glue that kept us together yet now we fall apart.

With the dark passenger of shame in our lives we become vulnerable to be controlled by other people through our areas of shame. That’s what shame is – a tool for controlling behaviour. The thought of people disapproving of us – casting the spell – can become enough to stop us. Shame can almost paralyze us.

To now understand what shame is we need to look at how we can prevent it, or even treat it as a therapist. Another aspect which we so often forget is how history plays a role in our development. With every war, with every natural disaster, every revolution and even our well known apartheid we find the battle field scattered with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which in turn has a one symptom that is fuel on the fire in creating shame and dysfunctional families. The inability to be emotionally present! The sufferer of PTSD’s ability to give and receive healthy intimacy has been shut down in order for them to survive, yet they have a role in a family and what they model will be imitated by their children, who would only continue the legacy of emotional detachment.

The positive side to this is that through therapy and a growing self awareness, it is possible to overcome the effects of shame, reducing the duplication of it into the next generation. The first step however is always, to be aware of the problem can help solving the problem.

Please see our next blog article to read more about how we can treat Family Shame and its effects.

Exerts from this article has been taken from the book “Beyond Codependency” – Melodie Beattie

Article Written by Johan Obbes

A place called "Home" - by Pinky Pitolo

‘…….but there’s good memories that are still there until today…and that is my place where I grew up, a place called “home”.’

I’m coming from a very disadvantaged background, poor, with lots of suffering, we were about 25 in one big house, 10 adults and 15 of us (kids) and sometimes we would get to twenty kids. I grew up with low self‐esteem. I would often find myself lost in the middle of these kids, as most of them grew up with their parents whilst myself and my siblings didn’t, as our mother was away all the time to work for us to be fed, clothed and be able to go to school(by the way, I was raised by a single parent). It wasn’t all bad. We had our fun times as kids in the midst of all the abuse. I received all the way, especially physical & emotional abuse which were part of me (you know when you become despondent?...that’s the feeling), with the feelings of rejection (both overt & covert rejection) but there’s good memories that are still there until today…and that is my place where I grew up, a place called “home”. Enough about that, that’s not the reason why I write this story today, when I issue my first book about my journey through life, you can hear a lot more about me…watch this space wena!!!

‘I came to Cape Town with anger, bitterness, full of revenge…….’

My journey with Philippi Trust SA? That’s the reason why I’m writing this story today, my walk with

Philippi. After my mom died in 1998, , and my aim was to get hold of a fire arm, as I heard in the cape children play with them (zidlal’abantwana), meaning they are easily accessible, so I can kill my mom’s murderers. I didn’t realize God was busy with my life. I looked for jobs, as I had to look after my little girl, Asanda. I submitted CV’s everywhere (you know what I mean…everywhere) in desperation, folks! I would bargain with God now & again…you know mos, “please God, I will make sure I…” but never do so. I would go for interviews now and then, also went for a shot course on “Attitude at the workplace” that taught me very good information on how one should come across and relate with colleagues, how to dress up for interviews, present yourself at work, including delivering your speech etc. Now & again I would bump into agencies with forms and fill in and tick every job opportunity, housekeeping, clerk, office admin, restaurants etc, tick, tick, tick. One day I received a phone call for interview, imagine how I jumped around with joy (bear in mind, in my understanding interview is not applicable for domestic workers), and I dressed up like I was taught at that course, black skirt, not too short, not too long, black jacket, my gold silk shirt, black shoes and shiny stockings on my legs(not too high or too flat)…I mean ‘hello’… that’s Pinky, to my surprise there comes a woman, ‘umlungu’ in pyjamas to fetch me and ‘hoops’ to a mansion

house…flip I’m in for scrubbing madam’s house, cried the rest of the evening but went back anyway.

‘a woman, ‘umlungu’ in pyjamas to fetch me and ‘hoops’ to a mansion house….’

I worked as a domestic worker for three and a half years, which I met Linda Cousin as madam as well, beginning of the year 1999. End of the year 1999 Linda Cousins introduced me to Chantal Philander and Linda Rowett whom they were her friends and colleagues/bosses. Now and again as we meet I would then share my life story with them, not knowing I was with the counselors, the only thing I would hear was ‘Mmm, Aha’. In between this time when Linda is at work I would see a lady dropping off her kids, very brief, smiling always and rushing all the time, the only thing I heard from her was ‘Hello…bye’. Anyway…her name is Christine Tatt, that’s how I met her the first time. One day Chantal said to me ‘there’s so much in you’ of which I didn’t understand this lady…those of you that knows Chantal understand what I mean, and Linda Rowett on the side ‘Mmm’ (that was their language ‘Mmm, aha’ that I couldn’t understand). In the year 2000, Chantal and Linda Rowett sponsored me a Certificate in counselling (level 1) where Chantal taught that course, and again in 2001 they sponsored me the HIV/Aids in Counselling course where Chantal trained us with, a day or two where she invited Mpumi Dirwayi to help her. After these two courses I felt alive, not realizing I was dead anyway. It was a big thing to carry the Philippi manual coverless without putting it in a bag in my community where ‘counseling’ was a Greek word. In 2002 I was called in a meeting by Chantal, the two Lindas & Christine, and they approached me to start working for Philippi some days. Philippi office was the wendy house in Linda Rowett’s yard. I was so thrilled…didn’t see any wrong in that. I started working for Philippi as a receptionist and a cleaner for 2 days, volunteer other 2 days, still worked for Linda one day. My salary was R630 per month for a year then went up to R850. In the meantime, I was so happy; clothes were cheap, food etc. Sometimes I would get a box of grapes from these ladies. There’s been food all the time in their house. Later in the year I met Malcolm Worsely, the founder of Philippi, very humbled man of God, a friend to everyone he meets. I was doing multi task jobs in the office, when there’s no phone ringing; I would do some cleaning, tea lady as well. In 2003 Philippi Trust SA was blessed by the Alexandra building then on the 01 August 2003 we moved our offices. Dennis Beeselaar joined the team as the Director of Philippi Trust.It was so cool to see the Trustee chairperson (Marion du Plessis) cleaning the windows together with Christine and myself, whilst Chantal & Linda do counseling and training. In 2004 we were trained in psychosocial support by Marianne Olivier from Namibia, started implementing camps for orphans and vulnerable children, working with kids from the ages 6 – 18. What an experience. I gained more experience until I could manage a camp on my own.

In 2004/2005 Daniela Fredericks came on board. It was nice to have someone to ‘skinder’ with, a buddy, very friendly, likeable, very down to earth person that fit very well with us. She carried training together with other trainers. In 2006 I was trained in becoming a trainer by Daniela and Chantal. Daniela and Chantal are the two people that spiced up my career as a trainer/facilitator but I am a total different trainer from the two of them. With all my days at Philippi, I have grown in lots of areas. We have our fun as a team, we do hurt one another as well, and pick up as a team, because we have one purpose only… to serve to make a difference. Philippi taught me to allow myself to be human and fall but be able to bounce back and face the life’s boiling water.

‘be able to bounce back and face the life’s boiling water…’

That’s my journey with Philippi Trust SA. That is my place of learning, growth, success in all my aspects of daily living and functioning in the workplace. Philippi is not just a workplace; it is “A place called home” for me.

Article Written by Pinky Pitolo