Family Shame (Part 1) - by Johan Obbes

Shame has its roots in our childhood and its branches in our lives today. Shame is a form of control, a tool used by parents and societies probably since the beginning of time. Sometimes we become shame based because of what other did to us. Victims of abuse are often plagued by shame, even though they weren’t responsible for the inappropriate behaviour. It can hold us back, hold us down and keep us staring at our feet. We may not be able to label it but it is real and sadly also the trademark of dysfunctional families.

Shame can be found everywhere. It comes with addictive families where one or more people were addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, work, sex, religion or even gambling. It comes with families with problems, secrets and sometimes the shame of these secrets are passed down from one generation to the next, and unknowing to most people we don’t even know that shame is like fuel to the addictive fire...which in turn is multiplying our incidence of addiction. From tik to alcohol, eating disorders to sex addicts but the list goes on to where scary becomes shocking.

In Psychology we make the statement; Every family is a dysfunctional family, yet it is only the degree of dysfunctionality that changes. The question then arise; to which degree of dysfunctional does a family have to be, before it creates serious damage to a person? Or better yet, if families are so dysfunctional then how deep does the rabbit hole go into our society, and what ripple effect does this family shame have on our development as a human race.

Every family is like a system which consist of component parts or role players (father, mother, children, live in grandparents etc.) that has a specific position in the family. The peacemakers, the scape goats, the authoritarians etc. With each one being aware of what the other one’s role is, regardless of how dysfunctional that role is eg. “Timmy my youngest brother is probably guilty of the theft allegations as he always screw up, we are all use to it”or “Ag, my dad with bail me out of trouble, he always saves all of us”or “I need to smack these children a bit more around here to show them who is boss”or “I need to apologize for my mom’s drunk behaviour last night so that people don’t realise she has a drinking problem” Whether we rescue others, project our issues, avoid responsibility, persecute or play the victim...we all know our roles within this drama of dysfunction.

Apart from the roles we also find the rules in every family. Some of these rules are very clear but many are unspoken or only shown once we break it eg. “In this house we always eat at 6pm” or “When father have passed out drunk on the floor we have to take him to his bed, and not say anything about it the next morning”or “I am not allowed to wear a nose ring like my friends as father is the minister and he said that Christian girls who wear nose rings are slutty” or ”Daddy always shouts at us when he loses his temper but we are not allowed to raise our voices or say we are angry at him”. Sometimes we are not even aware of these roles or rules...regardless if it is healthy or unhealthy. Nor are we always aware that something in our family is wrong. The dysfunction and the drama is our sense of normal and we know nothing different.

Emotional detachment can be just as damaging to a child when a parent is there in body, but are emotionally absent. We model what we see-in our families and the way our parents model intimacy (healthy or even the lack of intimacy) is very much the picture which we internalize of how we should see ourselves. “Don’t trust other people”, “I'm not worthy of being loved” or “I am only accepted when I do something for my parents”. We are loyal to our family and will protect every secret as if it is gold, until sadly the cracks start to show when one of the family members are removed from the family (death, divorce, moving away) and the family dynamics change. With the dynamics that change, our roles now change and so does our identities within the family. The actors in the drama have changed, shame and dysfunction have been the glue that kept us together yet now we fall apart.

With the dark passenger of shame in our lives we become vulnerable to be controlled by other people through our areas of shame. That’s what shame is – a tool for controlling behaviour. The thought of people disapproving of us – casting the spell – can become enough to stop us. Shame can almost paralyze us.

To now understand what shame is we need to look at how we can prevent it, or even treat it as a therapist. Another aspect which we so often forget is how history plays a role in our development. With every war, with every natural disaster, every revolution and even our well known apartheid we find the battle field scattered with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which in turn has a one symptom that is fuel on the fire in creating shame and dysfunctional families. The inability to be emotionally present! The sufferer of PTSD’s ability to give and receive healthy intimacy has been shut down in order for them to survive, yet they have a role in a family and what they model will be imitated by their children, who would only continue the legacy of emotional detachment.

The positive side to this is that through therapy and a growing self awareness, it is possible to overcome the effects of shame, reducing the duplication of it into the next generation. The first step however is always, to be aware of the problem can help solving the problem.

Please see our next blog article to read more about how we can treat Family Shame and its effects.

Exerts from this article has been taken from the book “Beyond Codependency” – Melodie Beattie

Article Written by Johan Obbes