As counsellors and therapists, it is vital to understand and recognize Family Shame in our clients, as it will contribute large to the challenge which our clients are going through. It is wise for us to know it’s symptoms and how it’s ripple effect which it has on adults and subsequently society.
In the article “Family Shame – Part 1” - Philippi Trust SA blog of 15th September 2011 - , we saw that shame develops because of the dysfunctional interaction in our family of origin. Dysfunctional behaviour is passed on from one generation to the next without even knowing that it is dysfunctional. By no means is this article a name and blame approach, nor the avoidance of responsibility. In dissecting Family Shame we need to remember that each person, parent or sibling does the best job they can in raising or interacting with their fellow family members to the best of their ability with the most amount of tools available to them. As Abraham Lincoln said: If you were born where they were born, if you were taught what they were taught, you would believe what they believe.
We model our knowledge and experience onto the next generation, regardless whether it is healthy or unhealthy emotional behaviour. Rarely do we actually stop and analyze whether our upbringing had a degree of dysfunctionality to it. The point is that we believed that we did the best thing at the time. So breathe, rest and read further as all is not lost.
In our Family of Origin we grew up with various shame based actions, without even knowing it is incorrect. We learned not to really talk about what is going on in the family, when we did talk it was through unhealthy communication where we would encounter a cold shoulders, silent treatments, the mood swings, never knowing what to expect, being kept on the edge and our reactions often being dependent on that one family member’s behaviour.
Without knowing it we manipulated, guilt tripped, flattered and threatened our loved ones in getting them to do what we want. We internalized the messages which said that relationships are unreliable, that healthy emotional intimacy is either feared or had no concept of what it really felt like. Confusion and unrealistic expectations trained us to be ashamed of being children and having healthy needs. We learned to act like adults and always felt that children are either in the way, or need to achieve in order to be excepted by our families or society.
Decisions were made for us, from what to wear to what to believe. We were told not to cry so much, not to voice such ridiculous opinions or even interpret situations through our childlike filters.
The effects were disastrous. We internalized all these childhood messages by thinking “I am not ok as I am” ; “I should act like an adult regardless of the age I am”. We started to act in a way which we thought is the way we should act to be accepted, thus creating a false self identity. An identity whom we thought the world, our parents, our religions wants us to be. We started to live alongside ourselves not realizing that we are actually carrying a dormant true self within us. We started solving our problems by blaming others, always finding a scape goat to blame the problem on. The internalized messages created a false sense of self and safety that when we are “perfect”, “good”, “the achiever” or “blameless” then we are accepted. We became perfectionists and without realizing it played into the trap as perfectionism is not just admired and seeked after by employers...but it is also a clear sign of having family shame in the roots of our development.
Performance orientation screamed of that child who still felt that they need to earn love and acceptance. Legalism and embracing rules over relationships is still the foundations of many religions, even though very few will admit it. The more we could turn the attention away from our mistakes, the easier it was to hide that flawed self, hiding our shame which was sadly passed down to us from one generation to the next.
Growing silent for long periods of time as adults (prayer, meditation) becomes a torture as this would mean that we would then have to face the part of us that we wants to run from...our true selves. Yet this is where our healing lies. The uncovering of the true self, recognizing the unhealthy patterns of communications from our dysfunctional families. A strong relationship exists between Codependency and Family Shame. Codependency as mentioned in some of our previous articles are also a result of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, under a strict set of rules, not having the freedom to express oneself in an emotional healthy manner.
To help our clients to a place of sanity and healthy emotional functioning we need to help them see their own coping mechanisms or unhealthy patterns in how they express uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. Help them to see those aspects which were dysfunctional, and secretly contained in their family’s rules (spoken or unspoken), ways of communication, expression of thoughts, emotions and conduct.
The counsellor should be aware that this can be a very painful and shameful experience for the client and caution should be taken, as clients might become very defensive or overwhelmed by the amount of realization happening during therapy. Work with the client’s pace and remember the golden rule – do not remove a client’s coping mechanism before they are ready to give it away. Clients will be very protective of their families and see it as if being disloyal should they speak up about any unhealthy conduct in their family. Numerous times I hear clients say that they were repeatedly told “What happens in the family, stays in the family”.
Create a safe space for the client through counselling, build trust and show unconditional acceptance toward them. Remember that they already carry so much shame that you will be their first place where they can experience acceptance. Facilitate them in understanding that they have the right to express their emotions, thoughts and opinions regardless whether it makes sense or not but purely just because it belongs to them. Help the client to develop an emotional vocabulary. Once the client has a better emotional vocabulary you can help them to treat shame as a feeling. To recognize it, express it freely and to uncover the secrecy around the behaviour which brought on the shameful feeling.
Guide the client to track the shame to its roots. “Why are you feeling ashamed? Who have you disappointed? Who’s rules are you breaking? Someone else’s or your own?”
We help our client’s to self nurture, to realise their rights and own personal rules. Yet the best way to help them through this debilitating feeling of shame is to quote an extract from the book “Beyond Codependency” by Melodie Beattie
- Once we accept shame’s presence, find a way to make it disappear. Talk back to it. Get mad at it. Tell it to go away. Feel it intensely. Make friends with it. Let it go. Work Step Six and Step Seven of the Twelve Step program. Work Step Six by getting ready to have the shortcoming of shame removed, and work Step Seven by asking God to remove it. Handle it however it works for you, but continue with the course of action you choose, and let go of the shame feeling. -
Written by Johan Obbes
Written by Johan Obbes
