Codependency (Part 2) - by Johan Obbes

Codependency and narcissism

Narcissists, with their ability to get others to buy into their vision and help them make it a reality, are natural magnets for the co-dependent ... with the tendency to put other's needs before their own. Sam Vaknin considered that co-dependents, as the Watsons of this world, provide the narcissist with an obsequious, unthreatening audience ... the perfect backdrop. Among the reciprocally locking interactions of the pair, are the way the narcissist has an overpowering need to feel important and special, and the co-dependent has a strong need to help others feel that way. ... The narcissist overdoes self-caring and demands it from others, while the co-dependent under does or may even do almost no self-caring.

In psychoanalytic terms, the narcissist who manifests such omnipotent behaviour and who seems to be especially independent exerts an especially fascinating effect on all ... dependent persons ... who struggle to participate in the omnipotent narcissist's power: narcissist and codependent participate together in a form of an ego-defense system called projective identification.

Rappoport identifies co-dependents of narcissists as co-narcissists: the codependent narcissist gives up his or her own needs to feed and fuel the needs of the other.

Inverted narcissists       

Vaknin—a self-help author who openly discusses his experiences as a person with narcissistic personality disorder—has identified a special sub-class of such co-dependents as inverted narcissists. If you live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to one, work with a narcissist etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist...you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist.

Inverted or covert narcissists are people who are "intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to their own need to perform the requisite sacrifice"—an inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available ... pseudo-saintly. Vaknin considered that the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent ... the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality.

In everyday life, the inverted narcissist demands anonymity ... uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him ... with praise that cannot be deflected. Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one's character structure, and to "develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself.

Recovery

There are various recovery paths for individuals who struggle with codependency.

For example, some may choose behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression.

There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Celebrate Recovery a Christian, Bible-based group, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although the term codependency originated outside of twelve-step groups, it is now a common concept in many of them.

Often an important result of a Family Intervention is to highlight codependent behaviors of various family members. This is sometimes a great help in encouraging the codependent person to accept help.

 Harmful effects of unaddressed codependency

Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors. People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships, less likely to seek medical attention when needed and are also less likely to get promotions and tend to earn less money than those without codependency patterns. Some even feel that they are just not worth being paid more, worth being loved, worth to expect a better service or worth to be loved.  

For some, the social insecurity caused by codependency can progress into full-blown social anxiety disorders like social phobia, avoidant personality disorder or painful shyness. Other stress-related disorders like panic disorder, depression or PTSD may also be present.

Controversies

• Going from one extreme to the other. Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish. Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior), is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person, is not.
• Victim mentality. According to this perspective, developing a permanent stance of being a victim (having a victim mentality) would also not constitute true recovery from codependency and could be another example of going from one extreme to another. A victim mentality could also be seen as a part of one's original state of codependency (lack of empowerment causing one to feel like the "subject" of events rather than being an empowered actor). Someone truly recovered from codependency would feel empowered and like an author of their life and actions rather than being at the mercy of outside forces. A victim mentality may also occur in combination with passive–aggressive control issues. From the perspective of moving beyond victim-hood, the capacity to forgive and let go (with exception of cases of very severe abuse) could also be signs of real recovery from codependency, but the willingness to endure further abuse would not.
• Caring for an individual with a physical addiction is not necessarily synonymous with pathology. To name the caregiver as a co-alcoholic responsible for the endurance of their partner's alcoholism for example, pathologizes caring behaviour. The caregiver may only require assertiveness skills and the ability to place responsibility for the addiction on the other.
• Not all mental health professionals agree about codependence or its standard methods of treatment. It is not listed in the DSM-IV-TR. Stan Katz & Liu, in "The Codependency Conspiracy: How to Break the Recovery Habit and Take Charge of Your Life," feel that codependence is over-diagnosed, and that many people who could be helped with shorter-term treatments instead become dependent on long-term self-help programs.
• Some believe that codependency is not a negative trait, and does not need to be treated, as it is more likely a healthy personality trait taken to excess. Codependency in nonclinical populations has some links with favorable characteristics of family functioning.
• The language of symptoms of and treatment for codependence derive from the medical model suggesting a disease process underlies the behavior. There is no evidence that codependence is caused by a disease process, communicable or otherwise.
• Some frequent users of the codependency concept use the word as an alternative to use the concept dysfunctional families, without statements that classify it as a disease.
• Not everything promoted by recovery agencies is a demonstrable scientific fact, some of it is based on fashion and faith alone.

Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts from this article have been taken from "Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie, Hazelden Publishers

The Road to success in KZN - by Johan Obbes

The Kwa Zulu - Natal branch of the Philippi Trust SA has a sixteen year history of providing specialised counselling and training, dating back to a lunch date with Malcolm Worsley (picture right) in 1995.

In July 1995, Nick and Barbara Kerr along with the couple’s two children took leave from their parish in Hillcrest, KZN to spend 6 months in Warwick, England, while Nick served as an assistant in the Parish of Warwick. 

The couple befriended an Anglican priest named Guy Cornwall - Jones who told them about this friend he had who visited South Africa regularly. Guy hoped that his friend would contact them during his next visit to the country. 

Nick and Barbara Kerr returned home early January 1996 and waited for over a year to hear from the friend that Guy told them about.

In March 1997, Nick received a call from a man saying that he was "Guy's friend", and that he'd like to meet the couple.  Nick invited him to lunch the next day, but when Nick put down the phone, he couldn't remember the man's name.

The next day Barbara (picture left) went to the school where she was then teaching, and was introduced to a visiting clergyman called Malcolm Worsley, who was about to take a chapel service for the boys of the school. During the course of conversation Barbara’s Head of Department said to Malcolm "This is Barbara Kerr, who is married to our local Anglican priest."  The look on Malcolm's face was one of utter disbelief and astonishment. Barbara said to him "Are you the man who is coming to our home for lunch today?" 

Malcolm came for lunch and he spent hours telling them about himself and his life as well as Christian counselling. In July of that year, Malcolm returned to KZN first running a Level 1 course in Pinetown, near Hillcrest.  Barbara enrolled for the course and according to her, the course felt like “coming home”.

From March 1998 Barbara set up courses in Hillcrest and Malcolm came regularly from the UK to do the training.  By 2001 Barbara had completed her Level 2 training and Malcolm asked both Barbara and Sally van Minnen to train others in counselling.  They trained their first Level 1 course in 2000 in Westville.  Not long afterwards, Jill Lawton joined them as a trainer.  Both Sally and Jill have moved on to expand the horizons of this branch, and Don Peddie (picture right) joined them as a trainer. Today Don is heading this branch of the Philippi Trust and leading it to go from strength to strength.

Nick and Barbara is currently running a site in Mooirivier while serving in the Anglican church. Together they have been instrumental in establishing this branch in Kwa Zulu Natal, while staying connected to the Philippi Trust  office in Cape Town and gratefully having Nick Kerr serve as a member of the board of trustees for the national Philippi Trust SA.

The KZN branch of the PTSA has been truly a diamond in the rough, having expanded to reach out with teaching in various areas including Mauritius. Today we would like to honour every person who is involved in making this branch so successful.

Geneva's House - by Johan Obbes and Kay Lorentz

In November 2010 our Resilient Kids department became aware of a centre for abused women and their children in Eersteriver. This was the first encounter with the formidable Geneva and the crisis centre which she has built up over a decade. The problem was that this crises centre was in crisis. The centre has become too much for Geneva, and has been damaged to the point that it was not fit for any human being. It is a building in much need of repair but because the centre lost its NPO status (in a crisis centre families are only supposed to stay 3 months, this has not been happening at Geneva’s House as people stayed more than 3 months) we have unfortunately experienced not a lot of involvemnet from government’s side, yet we believe that with a proper, healthy partnership between government and the private sectors, we can make a change to this situation. We know we are all responsible for our communities and this is where the spirit of UBUNTU will flourish.

On my first visit there I was overwhelmed by the positive attitude this brave 63 year old beamed out, and the love which she poured over every child who would run past us and quickly grab “Ouma Geneva’s” skirt. The smell of open sewerage hit me like a ton of bricks, and the dark, damp bedrooms were no shock when we had to hear how Geneva and some resident mothers would run around at night, fighting off burglars (entering via the broken ceiling), to steal their electric globes, electrical wires, kitchen utensils and whatever they could lay their hands on. The main building consists of approximately seven large bedrooms where you will find mothers and children, with the two outside buildings housing more families.

Over the years Geneva has been struggling against a lot of bureaucracy to get government’s involvement, while meanwhile there are 71 children living there with an undetermined number of adults. It is not the fault of these children that they are there, and yet more and more of them are dropped off here on a daily basis. The problem is that there is nowhere else for these people to go, and for most of these children…Geneva’s House has been the only home which they have ever known.

Geneva’s House is located on an open plot in Kuilsriver off a busy street. No fences exist to keep any of the children safe, not even mentioning the ARC rehab centre in close vicinity whose inhabitants could just walk onto the property of Geneva’s House. The home has some structural damage, sewerage are overflowing in the bathrooms, electricity cables are stolen, children are malnourished and yet Geneva is still fighting after a decade to improve the lives of these people. The home is currently financed by her pension money, and some of the children’s child grants.

On the 18^th July we are celebrating Mandela Day, which is also a day where people all over the world is called to action to make the world a better place, one small step at a time. On this day we are joining hands to make Geneva’s House a well run, safe centre for the restoration of women and children established on this site. The needs of this house is HUGE and we invite you and your organisation to get involved in revamping this house. For those people who cannot be there on the 18^th JULY 2011 (a Monday) are more than welcome to make your contribution to Geneva's House any time before the 18^th July, or even visit Geneva’s House on Saturday 16^th July 2011 where we can bring all the teams together and make a change in this home. This way we can make it a continuous Mandela Day Project. (Please just coordinate all pledges with Kay or Johan)

The aim is to create a sustainable support system that will last, even once Mandela Day has come and gone, thus we need people to adopt this project and take ownership of this amazing venture.

Us Philippians have stepped in to help Geneva reregister her NPO status, and organise her legal documents to enable her to access bigger funders. We are also taking in a team of nurses and counsellors from one of our Desmond Tutu VCT sites to give them a wellness package where voluntary HIV/TB counselling & testing will be done, together with Pregnancy Testing, Family Planning, Glucose testing, BMI testing, Blood Pressure measurements and general HIV/TB awareness.

We do acknowledge that accountable  and sustainable management is needed to run this organisation and thus part of the needs is for individuals to volunteer their time and skills to act as directors to come alongside Geneva and guide her to manage this home correctly. We need individuals, churches and organisations to get involved in this project. Whatever your skills are, whatever you have to offer in resources…Geneva’s House can use it!

Geneva’s House is in need for a church or organisation to adopt them, and walk the journey of sustainable development with them.

We need, administrators, painters, engineers, plumbers, electricians, decorator’s, board members and much much more.

The question is…what is in your hand that you can help with!? Their current needs list is as follows:

1.      Philippi can give volunteers, help with getting the house legal/status NPO etc.

2.      Paint

3.      Engineers to look at the buildings to see if it should be rebuilt or renovated

4.      Fences & Security

5.      Plumbers & Electricians

6.      Jungle Gym painted and restored

7.      Garden playing equipment (Swings etc)

8.      Decorate Rooms, Curtains, Bedding, Cupboards etc.

9.      Vegetable Gardens

10.  Lounge Area/Safe Meeting Place

11.  New Kitchen Appliances

12.  TOYS – NEW

13.  Become a board member (finance or Human Resource support)

14.  Host a picnic on the day

To get involved in this amazing project contact Kay on kay@resilientkidssa.org.za or Johan at johan@philippitrust.co.za to offer your help or pledge your commitment.

Article written by Johan Obbes & Kay Lorentz

Resilient Kids - by Kay Lorentz

The Philippi Trust SA has four very busy departments, of which one department the Resilient Kids SA programme, has been one which not only touches the hearts of thousands of people who see and read about their work, but it is also a program that has proved over and over again that people can be saved from poverty. All journeys start with a first step and every community is changed by taking care of the vulnerable, the orphans and the widows. Yet so many programmes are "giving people a fish...in stead of teaching people to fish themselves!" Resilient Kids is a programme which does just that. Start changing the children, one at a time. Resilient Kids is a part of the Philippi Trust SA, and is working with community based organisations, churches and individuals to empower and equip communities to take care of our vulnerable children. They provide training and support which enables adults and youth in a community to work with children in a way that helps build the resilience of each child. Their aim is to have, in each community, a team of safe, caring adults and youth who can provide ongoing support to the children of that community.

The Resilient Kids SA adult training programme begins with 5 days of 'theoretical' training in a variety of aspects of working with vulnerable children. After this the newly trained adults are given an opportunity to work with children from their own community in a safe, supervised environment. This could take the form of one or more of the following: a ‘holiday club‘ programme run over 4 or 5 consecutive days within the community, a series of ‘kids club’ events over a number of weeks, or a residential ‘experiential learning’ camp. Then follows a long process of mentoring and support within the community as Resilient Kids SA seeks to help establish sustainable, effective resilience building, child based activities.

An aspect of Resilient Kids that is clear evidence that this programme is changing the community, is to see how many children’s homes in the impoverished communities are now approaching them to come and build emotional resilience in their children. Monitoring and evaluation is always a challenge when the question is asked “How do you measure a life being changed?” Yet I feel that when a community is standing up and asking for their help, it is a clear sign that this programme is working!

Resilient Kids SA believes that all children can and should be given the opportunity to become more resilient. How to best provide resilience building opportunities is greatly influenced by the environment and circumstances of the child. No two communities are identical and the people who know a community best are those who live there. This is why Resilient Kids SA always works in partnership with adults who live in a community as well as community based organisations. Our aim is to show these adults that they have both the responsibility and the ability (with training and support) to meet the needs of the children in their community, especially when it comes to rights and resilience.

However, resources (financial, skills, education etc) are scarce within many of the communities which are home to our most vulnerable children. So Resilient Kids SA seeks to be a bridge between a community where adults are trying to build sustainable, resilience building children’s groups and those outside this community who have access to the resources needed. Our desire is to see partnerships develop between resilience builders in a community and churches, businesses, organisations and individuals outside the community that will ultimately benefit all concerned.

If you, your company or your church are keen to become involved in such a partnership please let us know, by emailing admin@resilientkidssa.org.za.

For more information you can follow this amazing programme on Facebook “Resilient Kids SA” or go to our website http://www.philippitrust.co.za/

Article Written by Kay Lorentz