HIV Origins - by Johan Obbes

The Origin of HIV

Numerous theories exist where this virus came from. Some theories go as far as to say that it was a result of the United States who developed a biological weapon during the Viëtnam war. Other theories are more scientifically based like the theory that it might have been a virus (found in chimpanzees), which was mutated unintentionally, when a polio vaccine was developed in Central Africa in the late 1950’s. This mutation allowing for it to possibly cross from one kind of primate to another. At this point in the fight we can see from more research that HIV is a fairly new disease and thus probably also being the reason why it has not been detected in humans before the 20^th century. Billions of Rands have been spent on  research of HIV & Aids, the care, counselling and treatment of those people who are affected and infected by the virus and not even mentioning the trauma and witch hunts which it has caused to vulnerable groups throughout the world.

Yet if the theories are true that us as humans were responsible for the creation of this Human Immunodeficiency Virus, then it will probably go down in history as the most expensive mistake humanity ever made. Renowned author Alta van Dyk  explains this so well in her book “HIVAIDS Care & Counselling; A multidisciplinary approach”

This theory about the origin of the AIDS epidemic suggest that AIDS is not a new disease, but has been present for centuries in central Africa. It remained undetected only because of the lack of diagnostic facilities. The clinical symptoms of AIDS (such as fever and pneumonia) were ascribed to malaria and TB. The spread of HIV/AIDS was limited because there was little contact with outsiders, and it was introduced to the Western world only when international travel became more common.

One of the arguments against this theory is that modern testing of archived blood samples from Africa rarely shows any sign of HIV infection before the 1980s (Schoub, 1999:14). In tests carried out on these frozen blood samples, the earliest sample shown to be positive for HIV antibodies was taken in 1959 in Kinshasa in the then Belgian Congo. Also, doctors with many years of clinical experience in Africa deny that before the 1980s they ever saw diseases resembling the very obvious characteristics of AIDS. It seems that AIDS is indeed a new disease and that HIV was introduced into the human population in the 1950s.

The second theory about the origin of AIDS is that HIV crossed the species barrier from primates to humans at some time during the twentieth century (Korber, 2000). HIV is related to a virus called SIV or simian immunodeficiency virus, which is found in primates. There are a number of SIV strains and each strain is specific to the monkey species that it infects. For example, SIVagm infect the African green monkey, SIVmnd infects the mandrill ape, and SIVsm the sooty mangabey monkey (Schoub, 1999). Under natural conditions, each strain will infect only its own specific species of monkey and it will also not infect humans. HIV also cannot infect any animal other than humans, except under experimental laboratory conditions where infection can be induced in chimpanzees. Immunodeficiency viruses occur in other animals too, for example in cats, cattle, horses, sheep and goats, but natural infections with these viruses are also species-specific and will not spread to animals from other species.

                Within the SIV group of viruses, SIVsm (the sooty mangabey virus) shows the closest relationship to an HIV strain, and specifically to HIV-2. It is interesting to note that HIV-2 is confined mostly to West Africa, which is also the natural habitat of the sooty mangabey monkey. However, the link between HIV-1 and SIV is not so clear. According to Schoub (1999:15)

...this missing link may have been discovered by the isolation of a virus from a captive chimpanzee in Gabon in 1989. The virus (called SIVcpz) is fare more closely related to HIV-1 than any other immunodeficiency virus, and it is also the only virus that possesses the same set of gene as HIV-1

Scientists still treat this finding with some reserve. This chimpanzee was a captive animal, and it is therefore possible that SIVcpz could be a human virus which for some unknown reason infect that particular chimpanzee.

                The question still remains how simian viruses could have been transmitted from monkeys to humans. It is believed that the virus probably crossed from primates to humans when contaminated animal blood entered cuts on the hand of people who were butchering SIV-infected animals for food. Another possibility is that chimpanzee and monkey blood, which was used for malaria research long ago, could have been the conduit into the human species. There is also a theory that incriminates early oral polio vaccines as the source of SIV infection of humans with its subsequent mutation to HIV (Hooper, 1999). Early trials of oral polio vaccines in the late 1950’s were carried out by spraying prototype vaccines into the mouths and throats of several hundred thousand people in Rwanda, Zaïre and Burundi, precisely the early epicenter of the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Oral polio vaccines which contain a suspension of live vaccine strains of the polio virus, are produced on cell cultures derived from the kidneys of African green monkeys. It is believed by some that the vaccines could have been contaminated by SIVagm from the monkey kidneys at a time when vaccines were not tested for contaminating simian viruses. Theories like this cannot be confirmed and may cause untold harm to immunization programmes such as the global effort to eradicate polio.

                In summary it can be said that the AIDS epidemic began in humans in the late seventies and early eighties, and that there were only a few isolated cases of AIDS-like diseases before then. Although the virus probably crossed the species barrier from primates to humans, it is impossible to say exactly how or when that happened. The initial spread of HIV was probably limited isolated communities in Africa who had little contact with the outside world, but various factors, such as migration, improved transportation networks, tourism, socio-economic instability, multiple sexual partners, prostitution, injecting drug use and an exchange of blood products, ultimately cause the virus to spread all over the world.

Conclusion

Although we claim the above as a theory, the fact that it is based on scientific facts makes it one of the most logical explanations for this disease. Often we hear the question “...but where did this disease come from...” in our counselling rooms, and the absence of the truth haunts us like the ghosts of those whom we could not save. If we were to be responsible for the start of this disease, then make sure that we end this disease not through more deaths but through offering people hope, with realistic encouragement, towards taking responsibility, for change and growth, leading to maturity and value, worth and peace.

Johan Obbes

References: 

Van Dyk, 2008. HIVAIDS Care & Counselling; A Multidisciplinary Approach. 4^th Edn. 1(1): 6 – 7. Pearson Education South Africa

Schoub, B.D. 1999. AIDS and HIV in perspective. A guide to understanding the virus and its consequences, 2^nd edn. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Hooper, E. 1999. The River. A journey back to the source of HIV and AIDS. Londen: Penguin.

Korber, B. February 2000. Timing the origin of the HIV-1 pandemic. Paper presented at the 7^th Annual Conference on Retroviruses and Opportunistic Infections, San Francisco.

Transactional Analysis - by Johan Obbes

Transactional analysis, or more commonly known as TA, is an integrative approach to the theory of psychology and psychotherapy. Originally TA was developed by Canadian-born US psychiatrist, Eric Berne during the late 1950s but it became more famous with his book Games People Play in 1964. TA have always been seen as a down to earth and effective approach as it is integrative using elements of psychoanalytic, humanist and cognitive approaches which makes it easy to use not just for the therapist, but also for the client who needs a practical tool to take home and personally implement in their lives. In the Philippi Trust training material, TA is found in most of our courses and has proved its worth over and over again by giving students more insight into their own uncomfortable reactions to other people’s behaviour. It is also a technique which is used quite often in relationship or couples counselling.

Many people have wondered what goes on inside their personalities that they can think, feel and act so differently in differing situations? The question is often asked...what makes people tick? Transactional Analysis proposes an apparently simple explanation of why we behave as we do. Eric Berne suggested just as the human body has physical organs each with special functions, we could imagine that each personality also had ‘psychic organs’ which were the source of feelings, thoughts and behaviour. He called these EGO STATES and named them the PARENT, the ADULT and the CHILD. To represent this there is a simple three circle diagram. The three ego states has nothing to do with real life age, or life developmental stages. It is purely an emotional state which we have learned through years of repetition as the way to respond to our emotional needs.

A little child is primarily concerned with his own needs, wants and feelings, and behaves in a way aimed at expressing them and having them satisfied. Whether he likes it or not, each person retains within himself the child he once was. And so one part of our personality is called Child. When a grown-up feels like dancing for joy, bursts into tears, stamps angrily out of a meeting, manipulates others to get their own way, drives recklessly or feels sorry for themselves because they are ill, then that grown-up person is in their Child ego state.

When an infant is totally dependent on her parents, the only part of her personality available to her is her Child, but very soon that little girl will begin to take a share in looking after herself. Listen to a toddler playing. Watch her as she approaches the heater and says, “Don’t touch! Too hot!” , then looks up for her mother’s approval, or when she tries to force a biscuit in her dolls mouth and says, “Be a good girl and eat it all up”. That little girl’s Parent ego state is developing.

The Parent ego state is that part of us that looks after the Child within us and the Child within others. Gradually during childhood and adolescence a person’s natural parents hand over their role to the growing person until they become independent – able to “parent” themselves and others.

To make it easier to observe which behaviours fit into each ego state, the Parent and Child ego states are sometimes diagrammed as sub-divided. The divisions of the Parent are the NURTURING PARENT, and the CRITICAL (Controlling) PARENT.

Just as a good parent gives his child lots of loving care and attention, sets standards and boundaries on behaviour for the child’s safety (social as well as physical) and reprimands the child when they break the rules, so when the child grows up, their Parent ego state continues to function in this way for them and for others. When a man puts a loving arm around the shoulders of a colleague who has received bad news, when a student draws up a protest petition against unfair treatment towards a fellow student, when a women criticizes a neighbour for her dog’s behaviour, when someone is so scared of losing their authority that they defensively rejects everything which new committee members suggest, then these people are acting from their Parent ego state and looking after themselves or others. Unfortunately, when a person’s Parent is looking after the interests of their internal Child without trying at the same time to consider the interests of the Child ego states of others, the Parent often acts unwisely, unnecessarily over-indulging or hurting himself and others.

The third ego state is called the Adult. A little child can think things through for themselves, but because they don’t have much experience of life and cannot cope adequately with conceptual thinking, they will often arrive at a conclusion no adult would. The part of the personality that can handle ideas, come to conclusions, weigh up facts, act on decisions assess probabilities, compute, compile – the part which can think rationally and objectively in the here and now, is called the Adult. In many ways it can be a misleading term because in everyday life we use the word adult to mean mature or grown-up whereas, in Transactional Analysis, Adult used to denote the ego state does not have that exact meaning.

If we know all the facts and think them through objectively in a situation, then we are using the Adult ego state. So, when a boy counts his pocket money to see if he can afford a new rugby ball and reckons he will have to do some more chores around the house to earn money to have the right amount for the ball, he is using his Adult ego state.

There are two main styles of behaviour shown by the Child ego state, and these are labelled NATURAL CHILD and ADAPTED CHILD. When a person is in Natural Child, he or she reacts spontaneously and freely expresses whatever is being felt, whether that is fear, sorrow, joy, anger or whichever emotion appropriately fits that situation. Most of us are trained from early childhood, by example and by advice to keep our emotions under control – to put a face on things, not to let people see how we are really feeling. When we do this, we behave in a manner adapted to suit what we imagine other people’s expectations are. This is called being in the Adapted Child. If someone says something which offends us, instead of being open and expressing how we feel and finding out why they said what they did, we withdraw to lick our wounds in private and end up with resentment towards that person, which can destroy the relationship far more than the original statement.

We keep quiet and deny others the benefit of our contribution, because we think that we might make a fool of ourselves if we speak out in a group. Adapted Child behaviour tends to be the opposite of the child-like faith that takes risks and makes new and exciting discoveries.

A mature and well-balanced personality is able to feel, think and act appropriately in a situation, whether it calls for her being in the Child, Parent or Adult ego state(s). No one ego state is more the real person than any other. Each person needs all ego states ready and able to function. Our energy flows freely amongst them all, and we can choose to use them separately or together.

In ethical decision-making for instance, all three ego states are used. The Adult gathers all the facts available. The facts include the needs and feeling of the Child as the result of life’s experiences, together with all the information which the Parent has stored  from past teaching of parents and other authority figures. These are considered alongside estimations of probable outcomes of several possible ways of behaving, and only then is the decision made about what is the truly loving thing to do in the given situation. A reaction based solely on what an individual wants (Child) or on what they think they ought to do because this is what they were taught to do (Parent) can be an irresponsible way of handling a situation.

The healing part lies in us slowing down in moments where we can analyze past reactions, and think through the consequences which it produced for us. Analysing patterns in our way of reacting to situations or people. A knowledge of the theory about ego states provides a tool for more successful handling of relationships. It can help us diagnose how we are coming across to others and how they are reacting to us. It can help us understand why we sometimes behave as we do.  If the terms PARENT , ADULT and CHILD as used in Transactional Analyses become part of the shared language of a couple or a group, then the theory can help them towards more satisfactory ways of relating to each other.

Old destructive patterns of relating and behaving can be changed as awareness of them emerges.

Written and compiled by Johan Obbes

Reference: A tool for Christians; Jean C. Morrison; 1993

Mastering one's own emotions - by Anna Moore

For the first two years of our marriage, my husband and I dealt with anger by having vicious arguments. Every few months, when we felt exhausted or overwhelmed or undermined, we’d scream, shout and swear. Then there was the bowl of curry  threw across the kitchen. A few hours later, we’d have calmed down, talked it through, made up, apologized – it’s typical stuff.

Eight years – and two more children – on, this has stopped. At some point, the prospect of a blow – out seemed so tedious and tiring, we’d withdraw for a few days until the issue disappeared on its own. Now the sulking period has reduced from days to hours. Life is smooth. Perhaps we’re repressing our emotions, leaving too much unsaid and setting ourselves up for something nuclear, but I prefer to think that we’ve learnt to distinguish what’s important.

Managing our moods, keeping our emotions in check and not inflicting them on the people around, is one of the most important life skills. This doesn’t mean burying our feelings. ‘Our emotions serve a purpose in that they can communicate a lack of balance in our lives,’ says Cape Town clinical psychologist Diane Mallaby. ‘It’s important to identify the role of an emotion, and recognise how it affect our thoughts and behaviour.’ Some emotions, such as sadness or anxiety, can cause immense distress if not dealt with effectively and can result in unhelpful behaviour.

‘Worry can be crippling in that it reduces our ability to put things into perspective and to deal with situations in a proactive way, sometimes resulting in avoidant behaviours,’ Mallaby says. ‘Anger, if not addressed, can reduce our social inhibitory mechanism and lead to verbal, emotional or physical outbursts.’

Four years ago, Martha Newman found herself at the mercy of her sad and negative moods. ‘I was married with two children, but I had this huge sense of worthlessness, and felt I wasting my life. I knew my moods were a response to my circumstances – I was in a job I didn’t like, we had financial stresses and I just didn’t know what to do about it.’

What Martha felt was real: she was drifting. ‘But I’d also lost sight of the good things in my life, and my responsibility for my kids’ emotional well being,’ she says. It was another 18 months before Martha left her job and began to train for something – teaching – that engages and galvanises her. And she began factoring daily exercise into her life. ‘I took responsibility for changing,’ she says, ‘instead of feeling powerless.’

Identify the cause

Though we can’t stop a mood from coming on, we can control how long it stays. The first step is to realise that we have that power. ‘Some people make a great show of “honouring their feelings”, of being a slave to them, ‘ says Fiona Harrold, life coach and author of The Seven Rules of Success (Hodder Mobius). ‘I truly believe you can change your feelings in an instant. It’s important to notice what you feel – but the moment you notice it, do something about it, don’t dwell on it. Feelings are valuable only because they allow you to ask, “why do I feel like this?” Never wallow.’ Such self-awareness, according to Cape Town psychologist Anelle Naude-Lester, is the first building block in mood control. ‘We first need to acknowledge that we are experiencing emotion and be willing to understand what it means,’ she says. ‘Then we need to identify the feeling in order to make sense of it.’

While you are caught up in a mood, there needs to be a ‘second self’, a calm, dispassionate voice in your head that’s aware of what’s happening – even if it isn’t able to stop it. ‘This “second self” is able to help you evaluate the situation. Once you’ve caught the thought, you reappraise it. You challenge the original interpretation and then reframe it,’ explains Naude-Lester. ‘Anger is the emotion we find hardest to control,’ she says. ‘It’s triggered when we feel a threat – it could be physical, or a threat to our self-esteem. So replace “He swerved in front of me – how dare he” with “Maybe he didn’t see me, and no one is hurt”. Or perhaps you felt rejected: “My friend is ignoring me – she dislikes me” could be “My friend seems very wrapped up – I wonder if anything’s wrong?” Once you have changed your internal monologue to a more rational way of thinking, you need distraction.

‘Indulging your mood – like venting your rage or allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity when you’re sad – is not a good option,’ says Johannesburg psychologist Mercy Lebakeng. ‘If you’re feeling low, try not to mope around and isolate yourself from others. Rather focus on small, manageable steps that can lift your melancholic mood.’ A simple phone call to a friend who makes you laugh or time spent in the garden can make a world of difference. Likewise, if you’re angry, resist the urge to yell. According to a study by Diane Tice, a UK psychologist specializing in mood control, shouting is one of the worst reactions, as adrenalin continues to pump through your body, prolonging the rage. Only when the mood has passed should you judge whether the ‘trigger’ is worth coming back to and sorting out.

Learn to disengage

To pull yourself out of a mood, it can help to ‘act happy’. French psychologist Dr. Israel Waynbaum found that facial expression trigger specific brain neurotransmitters, which have a direct effect on mood. Even a fake smile produces hormones that stabilize your blood pressure, improve respiration and reduce pain. But, if rationalizing yourself out of a mood, or pasting a smile on your face when you feel like screeching, is not for you, then psychologist Linda Kantor, co-director of the Cape Town Mindfulness Clinic, advocates the Buddhist practice of mindfulness: you neither indulge your unwanted mood nor challenge it. ‘Instead, once you have made sense of what you’re feeling and why, you don’t battle with your thoughts or add to them,’ she explains. ‘You stay in the moment, notice thoughts and let them pass.

‘You may recognise that you feel angry or down – but you understand that, like everything, those emotions aren’t permanent. Instead, you accept, you feel and let it go.’

This article has been taken from the Psychologies Magazine, Media24 publishers, June/July 2008, by Anna Moore

Family Shame (Part 2) - by Johan Obbes

As counsellors and therapists, it is vital to understand and recognize Family Shame in our clients, as it will contribute large to the challenge which our clients are going through. It is wise for us to know it’s symptoms and how it’s ripple effect which it has on adults and subsequently society.

In the article “Family Shame – Part 1” - Philippi Trust SA blog of 15^th September 2011 - , we saw that shame develops because of the dysfunctional interaction in our family of origin. Dysfunctional behaviour is passed on from one generation to the next without even knowing that it is dysfunctional. By no means is this article a name and blame approach, nor the avoidance of responsibility. In dissecting Family Shame we need to remember that each person, parent or sibling does the best job they can in raising or interacting with their fellow family members to the best of their ability with the most amount of tools available to them. As Abraham Lincoln said: If you were born where they were born, if you were taught what they were taught, you would believe what they believe.

We model our knowledge and experience onto the next generation, regardless whether it is healthy or unhealthy emotional behaviour. Rarely do we actually stop and analyze whether our upbringing had a degree of dysfunctionality to it. The point is that we believed that we did the best thing at the time. So breathe, rest and read further as all is not lost.

In our Family of Origin we grew up with various shame based actions, without even knowing it is incorrect. We learned not to really talk about what is going on in the family, when we did talk it was through unhealthy communication where we would encounter a cold shoulders, silent treatments, the mood swings, never knowing what to expect, being kept on the edge and our reactions often being dependent on that one family member’s behaviour.

Without knowing it we manipulated, guilt tripped, flattered and threatened our loved ones in getting them to do what we want. We internalized  the messages which said that relationships are unreliable, that healthy emotional intimacy is either feared or had no concept of what it really felt like. Confusion and unrealistic expectations trained us to be ashamed of being children and having healthy needs. We learned to act like adults and always felt that children are either in the way, or need to achieve in order to be excepted by our families or society.

Decisions were made for us, from what to wear to what to believe. We were told not to cry so much, not to voice such ridiculous opinions or even interpret situations through our childlike filters.

The effects were disastrous. We internalized all these childhood messages by thinking “I am not ok as I am” ; “I should act like an adult regardless of the age I am”. We started to act in a way which we thought is the way we should act to be accepted, thus creating a false self identity. An identity whom we thought the world, our parents, our religions wants us to be. We started to live alongside ourselves not realizing that we are actually carrying a dormant true self within us. We started solving our problems by blaming others, always finding a scape goat to blame the problem on. The internalized messages created a false sense of self and safety that when we are “perfect”, “good”,  “the achiever” or “blameless” then we are accepted. We became perfectionists and without realizing it played into the trap as perfectionism is not just admired and seeked after by employers...but it is also a clear sign of having family shame in the roots of our development.

Performance orientation screamed of that child who still felt that they need to earn love and acceptance. Legalism and embracing rules over relationships is still the foundations of many religions, even though very few will admit it. The more we could turn the attention away from our mistakes, the easier it was to hide that flawed self, hiding our shame which was sadly passed down to us from one generation to the next.

Growing silent for long periods of time as adults (prayer, meditation) becomes a torture as this would mean that we would then have to face the part of us that we wants to run from...our true selves. Yet this is where our healing lies. The uncovering of the true self, recognizing the unhealthy patterns of communications from our dysfunctional families. A strong relationship exists between Codependency and Family Shame. Codependency as mentioned in some of our previous articles are also a result of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, under a strict set of rules, not having the freedom to express oneself in an emotional healthy manner.

To help our clients to a place of sanity and healthy emotional functioning we need to help them see their own coping mechanisms or unhealthy patterns in how they express uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. Help them to see those aspects which were dysfunctional, and secretly contained in their family’s rules (spoken or unspoken), ways of communication, expression of thoughts, emotions and conduct.

The counsellor should be aware that this can be a very painful and shameful experience for the client and caution should be taken, as clients might become very defensive or overwhelmed by the amount of realization happening during therapy. Work with the client’s pace and remember the golden rule – do not remove a client’s coping mechanism before they are ready to give it away.  Clients will be very protective of their families and see it as if being disloyal should they speak up about any unhealthy conduct in their family. Numerous times I hear clients say that they were repeatedly told “What happens in the family, stays in the family”.

Create a safe space for the client through counselling, build trust and show unconditional acceptance toward them. Remember that they already carry so much shame that you will be their first place where they can experience acceptance. Facilitate them in understanding that they have the right to express their emotions, thoughts and opinions regardless whether it makes sense or not but purely just because it belongs to them. Help the client to develop an emotional vocabulary. Once the client has a better emotional vocabulary you can help them to treat shame as a feeling. To recognize it, express it freely and to uncover the secrecy around the behaviour which brought on the shameful feeling.

Guide the client to track the shame to its roots. “Why are you feeling ashamed? Who have you disappointed? Who’s rules are you breaking? Someone else’s or your own?”

We help our client’s to self nurture, to realise their rights and own personal rules. Yet the best way to help them through this debilitating feeling of shame is to quote an extract from the book “Beyond Codependency” by Melodie Beattie

-          Once we accept shame’s presence, find a way to make it disappear. Talk back to it. Get mad at it. Tell it to go away. Feel it intensely. Make friends with it. Let it go. Work Step Six and Step Seven of the Twelve Step program. Work Step Six by getting ready to have the shortcoming of shame removed, and work Step Seven by asking God to remove it. Handle it however it works for you, but continue with the course of action you choose, and let go of the shame feeling. -

Written by Johan Obbes

Family Shame (Part 1) - by Johan Obbes

Shame has its roots in our childhood and its branches in our lives today. Shame is a form of control, a tool used by parents and societies probably since the beginning of time. Sometimes we become shame based because of what other did to us. Victims of abuse are often plagued by shame, even though they weren’t responsible for the inappropriate behaviour. It can hold us back, hold us down and keep us staring at our feet. We may not be able to label it but it is real and sadly also the trademark of dysfunctional families.

Shame can be found everywhere. It comes with addictive families where one or more people were addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, work, sex, religion or even gambling. It comes with families with problems, secrets and sometimes the shame of these secrets are passed down from one generation to the next, and unknowing to most people we don’t even know that shame is like fuel to the addictive fire...which in turn is multiplying our incidence of addiction. From tik to alcohol, eating disorders to sex addicts but the list goes on to where scary becomes shocking.

In Psychology we make the statement; Every family is a dysfunctional family, yet it is only the degree of dysfunctionality that changes. The question then arise; to which degree of dysfunctional does a family have to be, before it creates serious damage to a person? Or better yet, if families are so dysfunctional then how deep does the rabbit hole go into our society, and what ripple effect does this family shame have on our development as a human race.

Every family is like a system which consist of component parts or role players (father, mother, children, live in grandparents etc.) that has a specific position in the family. The peacemakers, the scape goats, the authoritarians etc. With each one being aware of what the other one’s role is, regardless of how dysfunctional that role is eg. “Timmy my youngest brother is probably guilty of the theft allegations as he always screw up, we are all use to it”or “Ag, my dad with bail me out of trouble, he always saves all of us”or “I need to smack these children a bit more around here to show them who is boss”or “I need to apologize for my mom’s drunk behaviour last night so that people don’t realise she has a drinking problem” Whether we rescue others, project our issues, avoid responsibility, persecute or play the victim...we all know our roles within this drama of dysfunction.

Apart from the roles we also find the rules in every family. Some of these rules are very clear but many are unspoken or only shown once we break it eg. “In this house we always eat at 6pm” or “When father have passed out drunk on the floor we have to take him to his bed, and not say anything about it the next morning”or “I am not allowed to wear a nose ring like my friends as father is the minister and he said that Christian girls who wear nose rings are slutty” or ”Daddy always shouts at us when he loses his temper but we are not allowed to raise our voices or say we are angry at him”. Sometimes we are not even aware of these roles or rules...regardless if it is healthy or unhealthy. Nor are we always aware that something in our family is wrong. The dysfunction and the drama is our sense of normal and we know nothing different.

Emotional detachment can be just as damaging to a child when a parent is there in body, but are emotionally absent. We model what we see-in our families and the way our parents model intimacy (healthy or even the lack of intimacy) is very much the picture which we internalize of how we should see ourselves. “Don’t trust other people”, “I'm not worthy of being loved” or “I am only accepted when I do something for my parents”. We are loyal to our family and will protect every secret as if it is gold, until sadly the cracks start to show when one of the family members are removed from the family (death, divorce, moving away) and the family dynamics change. With the dynamics that change, our roles now change and so does our identities within the family. The actors in the drama have changed, shame and dysfunction have been the glue that kept us together yet now we fall apart.

With the dark passenger of shame in our lives we become vulnerable to be controlled by other people through our areas of shame. That’s what shame is – a tool for controlling behaviour. The thought of people disapproving of us – casting the spell – can become enough to stop us. Shame can almost paralyze us.

To now understand what shame is we need to look at how we can prevent it, or even treat it as a therapist. Another aspect which we so often forget is how history plays a role in our development. With every war, with every natural disaster, every revolution and even our well known apartheid we find the battle field scattered with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which in turn has a one symptom that is fuel on the fire in creating shame and dysfunctional families. The inability to be emotionally present! The sufferer of PTSD’s ability to give and receive healthy intimacy has been shut down in order for them to survive, yet they have a role in a family and what they model will be imitated by their children, who would only continue the legacy of emotional detachment.

The positive side to this is that through therapy and a growing self awareness, it is possible to overcome the effects of shame, reducing the duplication of it into the next generation. The first step however is always, to be aware of the problem can help solving the problem.

Please see our next blog article to read more about how we can treat Family Shame and its effects.

Exerts from this article has been taken from the book “Beyond Codependency” – Melodie Beattie

Article Written by Johan Obbes

A place called "Home" - by Pinky Pitolo

‘…….but there’s good memories that are still there until today…and that is my place where I grew up, a place called “home”.’

I’m coming from a very disadvantaged background, poor, with lots of suffering, we were about 25 in one big house, 10 adults and 15 of us (kids) and sometimes we would get to twenty kids. I grew up with low self‐esteem. I would often find myself lost in the middle of these kids, as most of them grew up with their parents whilst myself and my siblings didn’t, as our mother was away all the time to work for us to be fed, clothed and be able to go to school(by the way, I was raised by a single parent). It wasn’t all bad. We had our fun times as kids in the midst of all the abuse. I received all the way, especially physical & emotional abuse which were part of me (you know when you become despondent?...that’s the feeling), with the feelings of rejection (both overt & covert rejection) but there’s good memories that are still there until today…and that is my place where I grew up, a place called “home”. Enough about that, that’s not the reason why I write this story today, when I issue my first book about my journey through life, you can hear a lot more about me…watch this space wena!!!

‘I came to Cape Town with anger, bitterness, full of revenge…….’

My journey with Philippi Trust SA? That’s the reason why I’m writing this story today, my walk with

Philippi. After my mom died in 1998, , and my aim was to get hold of a fire arm, as I heard in the cape children play with them (zidlal’abantwana), meaning they are easily accessible, so I can kill my mom’s murderers. I didn’t realize God was busy with my life. I looked for jobs, as I had to look after my little girl, Asanda. I submitted CV’s everywhere (you know what I mean…everywhere) in desperation, folks! I would bargain with God now & again…you know mos, “please God, I will make sure I…” but never do so. I would go for interviews now and then, also went for a shot course on “Attitude at the workplace” that taught me very good information on how one should come across and relate with colleagues, how to dress up for interviews, present yourself at work, including delivering your speech etc. Now & again I would bump into agencies with forms and fill in and tick every job opportunity, housekeeping, clerk, office admin, restaurants etc, tick, tick, tick. One day I received a phone call for interview, imagine how I jumped around with joy (bear in mind, in my understanding interview is not applicable for domestic workers), and I dressed up like I was taught at that course, black skirt, not too short, not too long, black jacket, my gold silk shirt, black shoes and shiny stockings on my legs(not too high or too flat)…I mean ‘hello’… that’s Pinky, to my surprise there comes a woman, ‘umlungu’ in pyjamas to fetch me and ‘hoops’ to a mansion

house…flip I’m in for scrubbing madam’s house, cried the rest of the evening but went back anyway.

‘a woman, ‘umlungu’ in pyjamas to fetch me and ‘hoops’ to a mansion house….’

I worked as a domestic worker for three and a half years, which I met Linda Cousin as madam as well, beginning of the year 1999. End of the year 1999 Linda Cousins introduced me to Chantal Philander and Linda Rowett whom they were her friends and colleagues/bosses. Now and again as we meet I would then share my life story with them, not knowing I was with the counselors, the only thing I would hear was ‘Mmm, Aha’. In between this time when Linda is at work I would see a lady dropping off her kids, very brief, smiling always and rushing all the time, the only thing I heard from her was ‘Hello…bye’. Anyway…her name is Christine Tatt, that’s how I met her the first time. One day Chantal said to me ‘there’s so much in you’ of which I didn’t understand this lady…those of you that knows Chantal understand what I mean, and Linda Rowett on the side ‘Mmm’ (that was their language ‘Mmm, aha’ that I couldn’t understand). In the year 2000, Chantal and Linda Rowett sponsored me a Certificate in counselling (level 1) where Chantal taught that course, and again in 2001 they sponsored me the HIV/Aids in Counselling course where Chantal trained us with, a day or two where she invited Mpumi Dirwayi to help her. After these two courses I felt alive, not realizing I was dead anyway. It was a big thing to carry the Philippi manual coverless without putting it in a bag in my community where ‘counseling’ was a Greek word. In 2002 I was called in a meeting by Chantal, the two Lindas & Christine, and they approached me to start working for Philippi some days. Philippi office was the wendy house in Linda Rowett’s yard. I was so thrilled…didn’t see any wrong in that. I started working for Philippi as a receptionist and a cleaner for 2 days, volunteer other 2 days, still worked for Linda one day. My salary was R630 per month for a year then went up to R850. In the meantime, I was so happy; clothes were cheap, food etc. Sometimes I would get a box of grapes from these ladies. There’s been food all the time in their house. Later in the year I met Malcolm Worsely, the founder of Philippi, very humbled man of God, a friend to everyone he meets. I was doing multi task jobs in the office, when there’s no phone ringing; I would do some cleaning, tea lady as well. In 2003 Philippi Trust SA was blessed by the Alexandra building then on the 01 August 2003 we moved our offices. Dennis Beeselaar joined the team as the Director of Philippi Trust.It was so cool to see the Trustee chairperson (Marion du Plessis) cleaning the windows together with Christine and myself, whilst Chantal & Linda do counseling and training. In 2004 we were trained in psychosocial support by Marianne Olivier from Namibia, started implementing camps for orphans and vulnerable children, working with kids from the ages 6 – 18. What an experience. I gained more experience until I could manage a camp on my own.

In 2004/2005 Daniela Fredericks came on board. It was nice to have someone to ‘skinder’ with, a buddy, very friendly, likeable, very down to earth person that fit very well with us. She carried training together with other trainers. In 2006 I was trained in becoming a trainer by Daniela and Chantal. Daniela and Chantal are the two people that spiced up my career as a trainer/facilitator but I am a total different trainer from the two of them. With all my days at Philippi, I have grown in lots of areas. We have our fun as a team, we do hurt one another as well, and pick up as a team, because we have one purpose only… to serve to make a difference. Philippi taught me to allow myself to be human and fall but be able to bounce back and face the life’s boiling water.

‘be able to bounce back and face the life’s boiling water…’

That’s my journey with Philippi Trust SA. That is my place of learning, growth, success in all my aspects of daily living and functioning in the workplace. Philippi is not just a workplace; it is “A place called home” for me.

Article Written by Pinky Pitolo

Rape, a crime against humanity - by Johan Obbes

What are women’s rights and freedoms claimed for women and girls of all ages in many societies?
Many times we hear certain phrases used in daily conversations, that we begin to experience a saturation of the impact or severity of its meaning. Women’s rights are one of these phrases.

In the year 2011, we as South Africans can be proud to say that we have one of the most inclusive and progressive constitutions in the world, and that the majority of all vulnerable groups in our country are protected by our laws. Yet simply having a law as protection for a vulnerable collective group of people, does not always ensure that this law will be enforced correctly or even serve its purpose to protect them. We can even go as far as to say that whenever there is power…there might be an abuse of that power. Perhaps not with every person in power, yet we need no evidence to see that abuse usually happens when someone or a collective group of people use that power to create an “in and out” group, when power is used to separate instead of integrate. For centuries, women had very few, if any rights and every small victory for women’s rights has not gone without the bloodshed and sacrifice of a human being somewhere in the world. Today in Africa we still find women being discriminated against by their own spouses, families, governments, cultures and countries laws.

The long walk to freedom

Where does the term human rights come from? 17th century natural law philosophers in the West, developed the theory of natural rights. Back in the day many of these philosophers defended slavery and an inferior status of women in law. A group of people was known as the “Natural law philosophers” who argued that natural rights where not derived from god, but were "universal, self-evident, and intuitive", a law that could be found in nature. They believed that natural rights were allocated only to men who lived (according to them) "in the highest form of society". Thus, natural rights were something found in the nature of men and this saw the first movement of “rights” not as human rights but as “natural rights”.

Yet in Greece some philosophers reasoned that human nature depended on gender, ethnic, and other qualifications and thus came to regard women along with children, slaves and non-whites, as neither "rational" nor "civilised" thus not valuing them as human beings worthy of rights. They claimed the inferior status of women was common sense. They believed that women could not be treated as equal due to their inner nature as women.

Thankfully the changes brought about by philosophers such as William Wilberforce and Charles Spurgeon, who argued for the abolition of slavery and advocated for women to have rights equal to that of men, paved the way for women to be seen as equal human beings in the eyes of the law, and the term “natural rights” became “human rights”.

In 1946 the United Nations established a Commission on the Status of Women which serves as an international forum for women's rights, which serves a commitment to achieve gender equality and the empowerment of women. Yet having this amazing commission in place, to ensure the rights of women after the Second World War proved to be hopeful in the fight for women’s rights, still we cannot forget how the Second World War saw one of the worst crimes against humanity with millions of Jews dying in the Holocaust.

The question is then asked, with such amazing laws and commissions in place to protect women, is it really worth having a month dedicated to women’s rights? Is the problem really bigger than any of the other challenges which we face in the world?

From 1945 we moved to 1994, only to see another shattering crime against humanity where nearly 800 000 Tutsi indigenous members were murdered in Rwanda by members of the Hutu indigenous group.

An International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda was established by the United Nations and discovered incidences of the most horrific rape known to mankind, as element of the crime of genocide. The Trial Chamber held that rape, and sexual assault formed an integral part of the process of destroying the Tutsi ethnic group and that the rape was systematic and had been perpetrated against Tutsi women only, manifesting the specific intent required for those acts to constitute genocide.

From the stories heard by the tribunal afterwards it was clear; “From time, rape has been regarded as spoils of war. Now it will be considered a war crime. We want to send out a strong message that rape is no longer a trophy of war.” An estimated 500,000 women were raped during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide.

Today we are celebrating Women’s month in South Africa, with widespread media visibility, advocacy and lobbying for harsher punishment on perpetrators who abuse women, or in some cases…even just the implementation of these rights to be taken seriously. The question then still remains, why do we as the human race still discriminate against another human being if we are all humans. Why do this to another human being who is our equal?

What makes us think that one human being has the right to exclusivity in deciding who is inferior to whom?! Which brings me back to the question – “Is it really worth it to have a month dedicated to women’s rights”

As a human being I expect all MY rights to be respected and enforced. How is this different to expecting the same for any other human being especially a vulnerable group of people. Whether it is the Holocaust, Rwandan genocide or rape, it is all a crime against humanity.

Article Written by Johan Obbes

Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) - by Johan Obbes

Every day we as counsellors hear some of the most heart breaking stories in our counselling rooms. Most of these painful experiences has never been told to another human being, and regardless of whether the person felt they are going against their own sense of right or wrong, many women who have had an abortion are not able to identify, much less grieve their loss. Today I want to dedicate this article to the amazing women who had the courage to open their hearts and share their pain, shame and very difficult journey with me on how they lived through an abortion.

The topic of Post Abortion Stress Syndrome brings about great controversy among pro-life and pro-choice groups everywhere. In fact, there is still much debate regarding whether this problem actually exists, as some fear this may only be a syndrome invented by pro-life groups in an attempt to hinder further abortions; others claim they themselves have experienced this problem. Still, other groups of people recognize PASS as a problem but believe it is very rare and mention that giving up a child for adoption would seem to be more traumatic than a typical abortion.

This article is not on the topic of pro-life or pro-choice, but is a highlight on the fact that we as counsellors meet our clients where they are at. We as counsellors do not judge, and NEVER force our opinions or belief systems on any client, yet we need to be prepared with empathy and respect to our clients for whatever experience might present itself in our counselling sessions.

The term Post Abortion Stress Syndrome is not known by a lot of people, yet I have seen the damage this can do to a women who was coerced into termination her pregnancy. Post-Abortion Stress Syndrome, abbreviated as PAS or PASS is a form of trauma which can occur in a women after she has had an abortion. It has also been called post traumatic abortion syndrome. Many women experience brief feelings of sadness or guilt after having an abortion. Women with PASS experience these feelings for a long period of time, and some even struggle with it for years after the abortion. These symptoms also often interrupt their everyday lives and can lead to more severe symptoms. This disorder is often compared to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a disorder which is often noticed in military veterans and survivors of traumatic events, and the symptoms of these two disorders are very similar . (See the article on our blog for the 5^th May 2011 on PTSD)

To date I have seen from personal experience that clients who suffered the most from PASS were the ones who was coerced into having an abortion. I find that some women were more susceptible to PASS and aspects which highlighted a pattern for me in various women who suffered from it were those who:

-          Felt pressured into termination the pregnancy

-          Did not consider many different choices

-          Has strong religious views

-          Did not have her baby because it would have a birth defect

-          Did not receive counselling before or after the abortion

-          Was not well informed about the abortion

-          Recognizes that a fetus is a human

-          Rushed and did not give her decision much thought

Symptoms of PASS may not occur immediately after one has had an abortion. In many cases, numbness will overcome a women and the feelings of an abortion will be held back for months or even years. Some women however can live their entire lives and feel perfectly fine after having an abortion. Triggers which may initiate PASS in a women after having an abortion include seeing another pregnant women, certain smells or sounds, marriage, or the anniversary date of the abortion.

Who have had an abortion often feel uncomfortable or ashamed to talk about their experience and thus never seek trauma treatment. These women deserve to find recovery, instead of suffering in loneliness. Symptoms of PASS are often very difficult to manage and can involve a variety of risky behaviours. Intensity of these symptoms varies from person to person and symptoms include:

-          Guilt feelings

-          Inability to function normal at school or work

-          Nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety

-          Thoughts of suicide, self harm or suicide attempts

-          Sudden phobias (pre-existing phobias can also escalate after the abortion)

-          Poor quality of sleep

-          Increase in dangerous and/or unhealthy activities (Drug and alcohol abuse, anorexia/bulimia/compulsive overeating, cutting or risk taking behaviours)

-          Irritability, numbness, flashbacks

-          Relationship complications

-          Constant crying

-          A desire to immediately get pregnant and “replace” the baby that was aborted, even when all the circumstances that led her to terminate the pregnancy the first time are still in place.

-          Overprotective of future children

-          Depression that is stronger than just a little “sadness or blues”

-          Inability to function around babies or pregnant women

-          Codependence and Inability to make decisions or perform normal self-care activities

Relief is the most common reaction immediately following an abortion. But as time goes on, you may have trouble dealing with the loss you feel. One of the most difficult challenges in the grieving process is that you have no external evidence that you baby ever existed – no pictures no memorabilia. You may not believe that you have the right to grieve the loss that you “chose” to suffer.

Whatever the reasons to the sufferer, we as counsellors need to remember that we are here to help our clients to process through the emotions. We are not here to judge in any way. We are here to facilitate the process of healing and help our clients to come to that place again of peace with themselves, others and God.

Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts have been taken from Wikipedia.org