Codependency and narcissism
Narcissists, with their ability to get others to buy into their vision and help them make it a reality, are natural magnets for the co-dependent ... with the tendency to put other's needs before their own. Sam Vaknin considered that co-dependents, as the Watsons of this world, provide the narcissist with an obsequious, unthreatening audience ... the perfect backdrop. Among the reciprocally locking interactions of the pair, are the way the narcissist has an overpowering need to feel important and special, and the co-dependent has a strong need to help others feel that way. ... The narcissist overdoes self-caring and demands it from others, while the co-dependent under does or may even do almost no self-caring.
In psychoanalytic terms, the narcissist who manifests such omnipotent behaviour and who seems to be especially independent exerts an especially fascinating effect on all ... dependent persons ... who struggle to participate in the omnipotent narcissist's power: narcissist and codependent participate together in a form of an ego-defense system called projective identification.
Rappoport identifies co-dependents of narcissists as co-narcissists: the codependent narcissist gives up his or her own needs to feed and fuel the needs of the other.
Inverted narcissists
Vaknin—a self-help author who openly discusses his experiences as a person with narcissistic personality disorder—has identified a special sub-class of such co-dependents as inverted narcissists. If you live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to one, work with a narcissist etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist...you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
Inverted or covert narcissists are people who are "intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to their own need to perform the requisite sacrifice"—an inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available ... pseudo-saintly. Vaknin considered that the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent ... the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality.
In everyday life, the inverted narcissist demands anonymity ... uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him ... with praise that cannot be deflected. Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one's character structure, and to "develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself.
Recovery
There are various recovery paths for individuals who struggle with codependency.
For example, some may choose behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression.
There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Celebrate Recovery a Christian, Bible-based group, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although the term codependency originated outside of twelve-step groups, it is now a common concept in many of them.
Often an important result of a Family Intervention is to highlight codependent behaviors of various family members. This is sometimes a great help in encouraging the codependent person to accept help.
Harmful effects of unaddressed codependency
Unresolved patterns of codependency can lead to more serious problems like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, and other self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors. People with codependency are also more likely to attract further abuse from aggressive individuals, more likely to stay in stressful jobs or relationships, less likely to seek medical attention when needed and are also less likely to get promotions and tend to earn less money than those without codependency patterns. Some even feel that they are just not worth being paid more, worth being loved, worth to expect a better service or worth to be loved.
For some, the social insecurity caused by codependency can progress into full-blown social anxiety disorders like social phobia, avoidant personality disorder or painful shyness. Other stress-related disorders like panic disorder, depression or PTSD may also be present.
Controversies
- Going from one extreme to the other. Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish. Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior), is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person, is not.
- Victim mentality. According to this perspective, developing a permanent stance of being a victim (having a victim mentality) would also not constitute true recovery from codependency and could be another example of going from one extreme to another. A victim mentality could also be seen as a part of one's original state of codependency (lack of empowerment causing one to feel like the "subject" of events rather than being an empowered actor). Someone truly recovered from codependency would feel empowered and like an author of their life and actions rather than being at the mercy of outside forces. A victim mentality may also occur in combination with passive–aggressive control issues. From the perspective of moving beyond victim-hood, the capacity to forgive and let go (with exception of cases of very severe abuse) could also be signs of real recovery from codependency, but the willingness to endure further abuse would not.
- Caring for an individual with a physical addiction is not necessarily synonymous with pathology. To name the caregiver as a co-alcoholic responsible for the endurance of their partner's alcoholism for example, pathologizes caring behaviour. The caregiver may only require assertiveness skills and the ability to place responsibility for the addiction on the other.
- Not all mental health professionals agree about codependence or its standard methods of treatment. It is not listed in the DSM-IV-TR. Stan Katz & Liu, in "The Codependency Conspiracy: How to Break the Recovery Habit and Take Charge of Your Life," feel that codependence is over-diagnosed, and that many people who could be helped with shorter-term treatments instead become dependent on long-term self-help programs.
- Some believe that codependency is not a negative trait, and does not need to be treated, as it is more likely a healthy personality trait taken to excess. Codependency in nonclinical populations has some links with favorable characteristics of family functioning.
- The language of symptoms of and treatment for codependence derive from the medical model suggesting a disease process underlies the behavior. There is no evidence that codependence is caused by a disease process, communicable or otherwise.
- Some frequent users of the codependency concept use the word as an alternative to use the concept dysfunctional families, without statements that classify it as a disease.
- Not everything promoted by recovery agencies is a demonstrable scientific fact, some of it is based on fashion and faith alone.
Written by Johan Obbes - Exerts from this article have been taken from "Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie, Hazelden Publishers
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