For the first two years of our marriage, my husband and I dealt with anger by having vicious arguments. Every few months, when we felt exhausted or overwhelmed or undermined, we’d scream, shout and swear. Then there was the bowl of curry threw across the kitchen. A few hours later, we’d have calmed down, talked it through, made up, apologized – it’s typical stuff.
Eight years – and two more children – on, this has stopped. At some point, the prospect of a blow – out seemed so tedious and tiring, we’d withdraw for a few days until the issue disappeared on its own. Now the sulking period has reduced from days to hours. Life is smooth. Perhaps we’re repressing our emotions, leaving too much unsaid and setting ourselves up for something nuclear, but I prefer to think that we’ve learnt to distinguish what’s important.
Managing our moods, keeping our emotions in check and not inflicting them on the people around, is one of the most important life skills. This doesn’t mean burying our feelings. ‘Our emotions serve a purpose in that they can communicate a lack of balance in our lives,’ says Cape Town clinical psychologist Diane Mallaby. ‘It’s important to identify the role of an emotion, and recognise how it affect our thoughts and behaviour.’ Some emotions, such as sadness or anxiety, can cause immense distress if not dealt with effectively and can result in unhelpful behaviour.
‘Worry can be crippling in that it reduces our ability to put things into perspective and to deal with situations in a proactive way, sometimes resulting in avoidant behaviours,’ Mallaby says. ‘Anger, if not addressed, can reduce our social inhibitory mechanism and lead to verbal, emotional or physical outbursts.’
Four years ago, Martha Newman found herself at the mercy of her sad and negative moods. ‘I was married with two children, but I had this huge sense of worthlessness, and felt I wasting my life. I knew my moods were a response to my circumstances – I was in a job I didn’t like, we had financial stresses and I just didn’t know what to do about it.’
What Martha felt was real: she was drifting. ‘But I’d also lost sight of the good things in my life, and my responsibility for my kids’ emotional well being,’ she says. It was another 18 months before Martha left her job and began to train for something – teaching – that engages and galvanises her. And she began factoring daily exercise into her life. ‘I took responsibility for changing,’ she says, ‘instead of feeling powerless.’
Identify the cause
Though we can’t stop a mood from coming on, we can control how long it stays. The first step is to realise that we have that power. ‘Some people make a great show of “honouring their feelings”, of being a slave to them, ‘ says Fiona Harrold, life coach and author of The Seven Rules of Success (Hodder Mobius). ‘I truly believe you can change your feelings in an instant. It’s important to notice what you feel – but the moment you notice it, do something about it, don’t dwell on it. Feelings are valuable only because they allow you to ask, “why do I feel like this?” Never wallow.’ Such self-awareness, according to Cape Town psychologist Anelle Naude-Lester, is the first building block in mood control. ‘We first need to acknowledge that we are experiencing emotion and be willing to understand what it means,’ she says. ‘Then we need to identify the feeling in order to make sense of it.’
While you are caught up in a mood, there needs to be a ‘second self’, a calm, dispassionate voice in your head that’s aware of what’s happening – even if it isn’t able to stop it. ‘This “second self” is able to help you evaluate the situation. Once you’ve caught the thought, you reappraise it. You challenge the original interpretation and then reframe it,’ explains Naude-Lester. ‘Anger is the emotion we find hardest to control,’ she says. ‘It’s triggered when we feel a threat – it could be physical, or a threat to our self-esteem. So replace “He swerved in front of me – how dare he” with “Maybe he didn’t see me, and no one is hurt”. Or perhaps you felt rejected: “My friend is ignoring me – she dislikes me” could be “My friend seems very wrapped up – I wonder if anything’s wrong?” Once you have changed your internal monologue to a more rational way of thinking, you need distraction.
‘Indulging your mood – like venting your rage or allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity when you’re sad – is not a good option,’ says Johannesburg psychologist Mercy Lebakeng. ‘If you’re feeling low, try not to mope around and isolate yourself from others. Rather focus on small, manageable steps that can lift your melancholic mood.’ A simple phone call to a friend who makes you laugh or time spent in the garden can make a world of difference. Likewise, if you’re angry, resist the urge to yell. According to a study by Diane Tice, a UK psychologist specializing in mood control, shouting is one of the worst reactions, as adrenalin continues to pump through your body, prolonging the rage. Only when the mood has passed should you judge whether the ‘trigger’ is worth coming back to and sorting out.
Learn to disengage
To pull yourself out of a mood, it can help to ‘act happy’. French psychologist Dr. Israel Waynbaum found that facial expression trigger specific brain neurotransmitters, which have a direct effect on mood. Even a fake smile produces hormones that stabilize your blood pressure, improve respiration and reduce pain. But, if rationalizing yourself out of a mood, or pasting a smile on your face when you feel like screeching, is not for you, then psychologist Linda Kantor, co-director of the Cape Town Mindfulness Clinic, advocates the Buddhist practice of mindfulness: you neither indulge your unwanted mood nor challenge it. ‘Instead, once you have made sense of what you’re feeling and why, you don’t battle with your thoughts or add to them,’ she explains. ‘You stay in the moment, notice thoughts and let them pass.
‘You may recognise that you feel angry or down – but you understand that, like everything, those emotions aren’t permanent. Instead, you accept, you feel and let it go.’
This article has been taken from the Psychologies Magazine, Media24 publishers, June/July 2008, by Anna Moore
No comments:
Post a Comment