Self Sabotage - by Victoria Hoban

Are you your own worst enemy?

Sometimes it seems that life just keeps going wrong – it’s as though there is someone standing in your way at every turn. That person, may well be you.

‘I don’t know why I do it,’ says Anna, a 36-year-old freelance book editor, the disbelief etched on her face. ‘Every time I make inroads into a work project I do something completely stupid, that takes me back a few steps.’ Her most recent example of self-defeating behaviour? ‘I landed a plum freelance contract, and then found every possible reason not to meet the deadline. It was a real wake-up call when the project coordinator said the only real obstacle I faced was myself. The most confusing thing was that I was really enjoying the work.’

Your inner saboteur

Like many of us, Anna is all too familiar with her inner saboteur, that extraordinary part of our personalities that deliberately hampers, hinders and hijacks our attempts at success and happiness. This part of our psyche ‘is activated when we feel strong emotions, more often positive ones’, says Martha Beveridge author of Self-Sabotage (Grand Central). In other words, if you expect to experience difficulty, or rejection, or disappointment, and instead find yourself experiencing joy and happiness, it conflicts with your repressed expectation. ‘Becoming a saboteur is a way of dealing with that, and creating an outcome that doesn’t conflict with you negative beliefs,’ she explains.

           

These expectations are cultivated in our childhood years. Growing up, Anna’s emotionally-remote father paid her scant attention. ‘Although he was a successful academic, I got the impression from him that life was a constant let-down,’ she says. ‘He often spoke of disappointments and paths not taken, and always warned me against unbridled optimism. I seem to have inherited his defeatist attitude. So when life is going well, I tend to find ways to revert to type.’

Why do we do it?

According to Dr Colinda Linde, a Johannesburg psychologist, self-sabotaging behaviour clicks into place for a number of conflicting and complex reasons. Stress, anger, heightened emotion and evening drinking to much alcohol can unleash this dormant part of ourselves.

When others voice displeasure at our achievements, we may undermine our successes to avoid criticism.

‘Sometimes our inner saboteur is triggered when we’re scared of a situation,’ she explains. ‘We tell ourselves that it will never last so we choose to end it immediately while we still feel in control.’ Cape Town counsellor Michele Carelse adds that this behaviour often occurs when there is an uncomfortable discrepancy between what we would consciously like to do and what our subconscious fears and desires encourage us to do.

            By way of illustration, Carelse tells the story of an intelligent young client who, a week before her wedding, had a one-night stand with her fiancé’s best friend. ‘Although on one level she wanted to be married and love her fiancé, on another level her subconscious fears of commitment and intimacy played a part in sabotaging a situation that was threatening to her,’ Carelse says. ‘A less complex example would be the woman who summons the courage to assert herself at work, but smiles and speaks in a ‘girly’ voice while doing so, rendering her message weak and ineffective.

Feeling unworthy

Other times, Linde says, we unleash our inner saboteur because we feel unworthy of work success, loving relationships, new friendships or financial good fortune. And, as we now know, this nagging sense of not being good enough is often rooted in childhood conditioning.

            For instance, when a romance starts getting serious, Nadine will find ingenious ways to challenge her partner’s interest in her, until the relationship falters. ‘I don’t feel I deserve all the good things that happen to me,’ she explains. ‘Then, once I don’t have then anymore, I feel miserable and stressed and yet

 -bizarrely- more comfortable with the situation.’ Often, says Durban clinical psychologist Michael Cassidy, self-sabotage occurs after a significantly good event. ‘It is often considered to be part of one’s conscience that is a bit sadistic and cruel, and does not think the person should have anything good in themselves or in their life,’ Cassidy says. ‘This is when the “I don’t deserve it” mentality comes into play.’

            Dr Peter Hodson, a Cape Town Jungian analyst, points out that, as children, we construct a view of ourselves in order to create a sense of meaning and identity in the world. Negative influences can lead us to believe that we are failures, that we are powerless or that we are wronged. An unhappy or unsafe childhood can cause us to be wary of trusting others. Sabotaging our successes can be seen as a means of creating a safety zone, of controlling the rejection we feel we will not invariably receive.

            Nadine admits that she clings to her childhood emotional zone of feeling undervalued and invisible. ‘My mother doted on my younger sister. She was the pretty one, the charming one. I was made to feel rather ordinary. I was never expected to amount to much.’

Fear of failure/success

Intriguingly, both our fear of failure and our fear of success can stir our self-sabotaging behaviour into action. When we fear falling short of our own (or others’) expectations it’s so much easier and safer simply not to leave a corporate job to strike out on your own, implement an ambitious health plan or invite a new friend around for supper. That way, we’re never disappointed. But being anxious about success, and the inevitable changes it brings, can be equally pernicious and limiting. ‘I’ve always been wary of inviting envy,’ says Priya, a 41-year-old food technician. ‘My stepsister was a problem child and never realized her full potential at school – or socially. ’As a youngster, not wanting to exacerbate an already difficult home life, Priya simply downplayed her own achievements. ‘As an adult, I’m still terrified people will think I’m showing off if I do well.’

            When those around us voice displeasure at our achievements, we may undermine our successes to avoid their criticism or unease. This is when our inner saboteur is particularly active, preventing us from achieving success so we don’t have to face the subsequent pressure of delivering or performing. Or the discomfort of our friends, family and colleagues.

            ‘Success – and the change it brings – can be tremendously stressful,’ says Sebastian Bailey, a UK psychologist. When we think about committing to a new relationship, abandoning a toxic friendship or accepting a promotion at work, we move into the ‘change curve’ zone. After the initial ego boost or relief we start to think ‘this is serious’ and focus on what or how we will have to change. ‘At this point, we may start to behave in ways that will make that transition less likely to happen,’ Bailey points out. These self-destructive tactics needn’t be extreme. Seemingly innocuous behaviour, such as frequently losing our keys so that we’re late for work, blowing the budget on something unnecessary so we have to abort our holiday plans, or giving up on an exercise plan so we can continue bemoaning those extra kilograms, can be just as damaging to our goals. It keeps us in the emotional space to which we are accustomed.

            The good news is that, once we are aware of our self-sabotaging behaviour, we can take steps to alter the way we operate.

Victoria Hoban; Psychologies Magazine June/July 2008; Issue No 8