Introverts vs. Extroverts - by Liezl Cromwell

Are you an Innie or an Outie?

So, do you know if you are an Innie or an Outie? And no, we‘re not about to contemplate our belly buttons, but rather explore introverts and extroverts.  Most of us have heard these terms and can randomly allocate them to our nearest and dearest. Yet, do we truly understand what they are and why are they significant to everyday life?

Generally, we assume that extroverts are the ‘live wires’ at a party or those that are assertive and outgoing.  I’m sure you have just thought of someone, who loves being the centre of attention, the ‘typical’ extrovert. Or your introverted friend who seems so shy, withdrawn, sometimes lacking in self confidence. That’s right, the one that’s never keen to try something new and the proverbial wallflower at parties.

 In fact, the way to tell if someone is an introvert or extrovert is determining how they recharge their energy levels. This is the key difference. Do you need to withdraw from people, noise and activities when tired, when needing to process or just simply think? Then the chances are pretty good that you are an introvert. Extroverts on the other hand need people to recharge and energise. They need other people to process decisions, experiences and feelings. For example, an extroverted child will want to do their homework in your presence at the kitchen table, while the introvert prefers the quiet of their bedroom.

In general, we find that for every introvert there are three extroverts. The Meyers Briggs type indicator is a well known test used by psychologists to determine personality preferences. This is the route to take for a more accurate assessment, which is conducted in the form of a questionnaire. Myers-Briggs uses the terms extraversion and introversion. Extraversion means "outward-turning" and introversion means "inward-turning. There are four areas of preference that are assessed, but that is a subject for another time.

Another component often overlooked is the temperament continuum, which ranges from extreme extrovert to extreme introvert.  Most of us function in the middle, shifting from one side to another when appropriate, as we feel safe, comfortable or when in different roles. Dr. Laney (see below) compares this to being left or right handed. We can use both hands, but are more orientated to either the left or right one.

Extreme Extrovert

Middle Ground

Extreme Introvert

So why is this important to know? Let me share a personal experience. I’m not typically seen as a classical extrovert, yet I score highly on Meyers Briggs test as one. My mom, an introvert never understood my need to socialise, after complaining bitterly how exhausted I was. This often led to me feel misunderstood and that I was ‘faking’ my exhaustion. By understanding how we operate we have a better understanding of ourselves and others. I recently stumble across a book, The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child, Helping your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World, written by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy. D. In this book Dr. Laney focuses on helping us see the contribution that introverts give. This is often overlooked as extroverts draw more attention and introverts often feel unnoticed and undervalued.

In this book she identifies how we function and thus gaining insight and understanding.  Innies and Outies are often defined by their behaviour, rather than how they source their energy and their orientation to the world.  These are the following key differences:

Extroverts:	Introverts
Love action and excitement	Like to be stimulated in small doses
Prefer to get an overview of a topic	Explore topics in depth
Emotionally react in the moment	Process emotions before reacting
Energised by the outside world, depleted by quiet and solitude.	Feels depleted and drained by too many people and activities
Danger: overstimulation and exhaustion	Danger: getting lost inside their own heads
Wearied by too much quiet and solitude	Take longer to get their bodies moving
Tend to shoot from the ‘lip’	Use a longer brain pathway, hence do not always answer immediately
Enjoy attention, talking and activities	Tend to hesitate in unfamiliar environment
What immediate gratification, want it ‘now’	Harder to get their body moving, have to tell their body to move.
More vulnerable to addictions	Highly observant and detail focussed
May walk, talk and eat fast	Difficult to get to know

It is important for both introverts and extroverts to balance their tendencies. An Innie needs to be encouraged to engage the world, grow in confidence and not become lost inside their heads. The Outie could burn out from overstimulation and would benefit from periods of contemplation and relaxation. This should be kept in mind as we parent our children and in our relationships with our spouses. For example, an Outie parent with an Innie child may be frustrated by their child’s lack of enthusiasm and perceived lack of confidence.  The Innie parent with an Outie child may feel exhausted trying to keep their noisy child ‘under control’.  These children are often misdiagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)  or ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) In our relationships conflict may rear its head, when one partner needs time out and the other needs a night on the town.

All said, we are all created different and unique. This should not be seen as a disadvantage.  Everyone has something to contribute and what we do and say is of value. Here’s a simple scenario, look at couples around you, perhaps your own marriage. Who is roaring to go, take risks and talk the talk? Think about who is the one who applies the brakes and brings perspective to decisions that needs to made. Do you see how we could balance each other’s tendencies, creating harmony in our significant relationships?